Harry walked into the living room, seeing Severus huddled in the corner of the couch, barefoot, knees drawn up to his chest, just as he’d left him. He was still clad in his black nightgown, his heavy green robe draped over his shoulders while he stared into the softly crackling fire in the hearth.
Carrying a glass of chocolate milk in one hand and a clean nightgown in the other, Harry set the glass down on the coffee table and unfolded the gown. “Come on. Up you go,” he gently coaxed, lightly tugging on the loose robe material at Severus’ shoulder.
Severus glanced up at the younger man with tired, sorrowful eyes, before he slowly straightened his legs and stood, shucking off his robe. The nightgown underneath was still soaked through with sweat and clung to his slightly trembling body. He reached down and lightly grasped the hem of the gown and rolled it up, lifting it over his head, peeling it off his body, leaving him standing there in nothing but his underwear.
Despite the heat from the fire, goose bumps formed all over his sallow, damp skin. Harry cast a silent cleaning and drying spell over Severus, then carefully lifted the clean, dry gown over the older man’s head and tugged it down over his body as Severus slipped his arms through the sleeves. Harry let it fall down the rest of the way just past Severus’ knees before reaching up to the sides of his neck, carefully pulling the little bit of shoulder-length hair out from under the collar. “There you go,” Harry softly murmured with a little smile and grabbed the robe off the couch and opened it, draping it back over Severus’ shoulders. “Better?”
Severus nodded, looking down at the floor as his arms crossed over his chest, each hand grasping the opposite edges of the open front of the robe, pulling it closed around himself.
Harry frowned, his eyebrows peaking in the middle of his forehead in worry. He reached out putting his arms around the other man. “Come’ere,” he whispered, gently tugging Severus against his chest. “Let’s sit down.”
Carefully, Harry maneuvered them both down onto the couch, leaning into some pillows at the armrest while Severus lay against his chest, pulling his feet up off the floor, nearly curling into a fetal position.
Harry reached for the glass and offered it to Severus. “Here. Made you some chocolate milk. I know it’s you’re favorite.”
Severus eyed the glass for a moment before reaching a shaking hand out to accept it.
“It’s okay. I’ve got it,” Harry assured him, as Severus tried to hold it but couldn’t keep his hands steady.
Severus slowly sipped the rich, cool drink, then, as if something suddenly snapped inside him, his face scrunched up, his eyes squeezing shut, and he sputtered, causing the milk to splash, some of it hitting him in the face before he quickly pulled away and pressed his face into Harry’s nightshirt and quietly sobbed.
Harry set the glass aside and put his arms back around Severus, stroking his fingers through the hair at the back of his neck, trying to soothe him. He knew it was going to happen eventually. Severus had been having nightmares about Albus’ death for weeks now. Each night it got a little worse until tonight Harry had been woken up by Severus screaming Albus’ name at the top of his lungs, thrashing about violently, and sweating so much, it was as if the whole bloody bed had been put out in the rain.
“I know,” Harry whispered, pressing his lips to the warm temple of his former potions professor. “I know it hurts. It’s okay. Let it all out. I’m right here.”
The weird thing with Severus, Harry had noticed, was that in the few instances he’d been witness to the man crying, it had always been silent. His shoulders would shake and his chest would heave; his whole body would tremble. And, from the physical display of it, one would expect howling and wailing so loud and raspy that Severus would have had a sore throat after. But he never made a sound. Even his labored breathing was relatively silent -- Except at the moment, to Harry, since it was right next to his ear.
Softly rubbing Severus’ back, Harry let him cry it out of his system until the tension and trembling in the older man’s body seemed to waver and settle leaving his weary frame to twitch only slightly with lingering hic-coughs as he tried to get his breathing under control.
“Shhhhhhh,” Harry softly lulled in Severus’ ear and rocked him slowly from side to side. “Shhhhhhh. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” he murmured.
When he was a student at Hogwarts, from his first year straight through to most of his sixth year, and hated Severus Snape with every fiber of his being, had someone told him, by the age of twenty-three, he’d not only be holding the distressed man in his arms, lulling him, but be in an intimate relationship with him, sharing a home and bed with him, he would have hexed them into the next world. But now Harry couldn’t imagine his life without Severus being part of it. He loved this man more than life itself and there wasn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for him.
Which is why it made Harry’s heart ache to see Severus like this.
Severus was a proud and strong man who worked desperately hard to keep his feelings and emotions in check and never allowed anyone, save Harry at times, to see them. But, lately, even in public places, something would set him off and he’d quickly apparate home without saying a word to Harry if they were out together. One moment, they’d be in the book store in Diagon Alley, or catching brunch in a sidewalk café, and suddenly, Severus would go rigid, his eyes widening, or screwing shut, he’d start hyperventilating, then dash away, disappearing in a quick tendriling swirl of smoke.
It was obvious that he’d gone home and when Harry arrived only moments after him, he’d hear rushed footsteps on the stairs and the bedroom door slam. Knocking on the door would never get a reply, so he’d go in anyway, only to be yelled at by Severus who wanted to be left alone. Of course, Harry would ask why and try to get him to talk, which would result in a shouting match, followed by Severus retreating further into the bathroom, slamming the door. It always proved useless to try to talk to Severus when he was like that, so Harry would leave the room and busy himself with projects around the house, or chores, eventually leading to him making dinner which Severus would quietly venture down for. They’d eat in silence and, nearing the end, Harry would try to ask what had happened, which would lead to Severus glaring at him, growling that he didn’t want to talk about it, and pushing his chair back, going into the living room, promptly ignoring Harry by burying his face in a book.
After the third time this happened, Harry had started taking note of their surroundings better, trying to see if it was something, or someone, Severus was seeing that was causing his sudden change in attitude.
Finally, Harry had seen it.
They had been out picking up groceries in the outdoor market when Harry did a double-take at a man who was standing behind a display of fruit. At first glance, Harry would have bet his life it was Albus Dumbledore but, when the man’s full face came into view, it was obvious it wasn’t. Still, the man’s appearance shocked him and he turned to Severus to ask him if he saw it, too, only to see Severus staring right at the man, panicked.
It didn’t take more than two seconds for Severus to drop the small basket of items they had already picked out and make a mad dash out of there, apparating.
Thinking back, that must have been what had happened at all the other places. Severus must have caught glimpses of people who reminded him of Albus and it was like seeing a ghost. As if it was tormenting him.
Now that Harry knew, he tried talking to Severus about it, even telling him that he knew why he was acting the way he was, but he still wouldn’t talk about it and would retreat from Harry’s presence if Harry even tried.
At night, Severus would have nightmares, but they were minor ones that never woke him and, after a little while of tossing and turning and soft muttering, he’d settle back into a seemingly peaceful sleep.
Until tonight.
Tonight had been bad.
You would have thought he was being murdered in his sleep.
The screaming was unreal. For all the times Harry had heard Severus deep, silky voice, he would never, not in a million years, have guessed or even believed Severus Snape could scream that loud and at that high a pitch. He had woken up, petrified, soaked through with sweat, tangled in the sheets, and scared the shit out of Harry who had snatched his wand out from under his pillow and was in attack-mode, thinking someone, or something had come into the room and was trying to rip his husband to pieces.
By the time Harry had gotten him calmed down, the man was shaking and chilled from his sweat-soaked nightgown, so Harry led him downstairs to the warm fire while he got him clean pajamas and some chocolate milk, hoping it would help soothe him.
Now, that the shock had worn off and the damn had broken, Severus remained huddled in Harry’s arms, weak, tired, and embarrassed.
“I - I - I’m s-sor-ry,” Severus stuttered around his hiccupping voice.
“Shhhhh-shh-shh-shh,” Harry soothed. “Don’t be sorry, baby. It’s okay.” He carefully hid the fact that he was completely dumbfounded that Severus was actually apologizing. That was quite a feat for the man.
“I-I sh-shouldn’t ha-have-”
“Severus,” Harry gently interrupted. “Give yourself a few minutes to calm down. It’s all right.” He started combing his fingers back through the other man’s inky hair.
The man in Harry’s arms suddenly started to hyperventilate again, than a whole new wave of tears came pouring out, this time accompanied by babbling. “I-it wa-was what h-he s-said he wan-ted. H-he told m-me it ha-had to be m-me. He tr-trusted me. I-I ha-had to s-save Draco. Th-they were go-ing to m-make him k-kill Albus … I cou-could’t … I-I ...”
“Shhhhh. I know. I know, baby,” Harry soothed, tightening his hold on the other man. “I know. He was under a curse. It would have been horrible for him. You showed him mercy. You saved him from pain. He knows that. And you saved Draco. You did the right thing. It was terrible. I wish you didn’t have to. I know he was like a father to you. I know you loved him. I know it hurts. But it’s okay. I’m here. Let it all go. Let the pain out.”
And, for the first time Harry had ever heard, Severus cried out loud until his throat was raw and his eyes were puffy and Harry’s shirt was soaked through.
oOo
A couple hours later, Severus slowly opened his eyes. The first thing that he noticed was that they felt grainy; like he had sand under his eyelids. Then he noticed his nose felt stuffy and his head pounded and his throat and stomach hurt. He groaned, carefully blinking his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath.
Warm knuckles softly touched his cheek and he started a bit, reaching up his hand, coming in contact with a firm wrist and forearm.
The soothing caress continued and Severus swallowed carefully, wincing at his sore throat. “H-Harry?” he rasped.
“Right here,” Harry whispered.
Severus heard the low rumble of Harry’s voice in his ear and, suddenly, all his other senses kicked in. He realized he was lying down, he was being held and was warm, and there was a steady thumping in his ear that he recognized as Harry’s heartbeat.
“What happened? Why do I feel like I have a severe head-cold?” Severus muttered.
“Cried yourself to sleep,” Harry gently whispered. “You’ve been out for a couple of hours.”
Severus winced, feeling heat rise in his cheeks.
“You must’ve really been hurting. I’ve never heard you cry like that before,” Harry murmured, shifting his hand to Severus back, rubbing there instead.
Severus didn’t trust himself to speak, he was far too embarrassed, so he merely nodded after a brief hesitation.
A couple quick rubs to his back and Severus felt Harry shift beneath him, easing them both up.
Severus groaned and the movement, his head throbbing.
“Here,” Harry said, offering him a handkerchief. “Blow.”
Too weak and exhausted, Severus didn’t argue and took the offered swatch of cloth and blew his nose. The vibration made him groan once again, making his head throb even worse than before, but at least now he could breathe more easily.
“Bad headache?” Harry asked.
“Yes,” Severus managed. He closed his eyes against the pain but blinked them open a few moments later when he felt cool glass at his lips.
“Here. One of your famous headache relief potions,” Harry informed him.
Severus allowed Harry to give it to him and he gulped it down without a word, sighing as it took effect, then laid his head back against Harry’s chest, feeling better.
Harry massaged the back of Severus’ neck, helping to ease the stiffness, laying back down into the pillows with the other man. “Do you want to talk about it now?”
“What’s there to talk about?” Severus muttered.
“You could start with what you’re feeling,” Harry suggested.
“I’m feeling tired, Potter. Is that enough for you?” Severus snipped, his defense mechanisms kicking in.
“Don’t do that, Severus,” Harry warned, his voice gentle, but firm. “You know I don’t like it when you call me Potter any more than you like it when I call you Snape. So don’t do it. I’m only trying to help you.”
Severus sighed, feeling his own body sag in defeat. “What is it you wish me to say, Harry?” he muttered. “That I miss him? That it hurts? That I feel an ache in my chest every time I think of him? That I would give just about anything to bring him back? That I’m angry? That I’m sad? That I nearly vomited every time I thought I saw him when we were out and it made me afraid to leave our house? That I want-” He stopped, turning his face into Harry’s chest, his hands fisting the fabric of Harry’s shirt until his knuckles turned white.
“That you want what?” Harry asked. “You can tell me, baby. Whatever it is, you can tell me.” He tightened his arms around the shaking man and rocked him.
“That I want … That I want to go … Go back to H-Hogwarts and go to his … Office and-and see him alive beh-hind his desk. I w-want him to smile at m-me again and c-come over to me and h-hug me close a-and tell me its okay. I want h-him alive, Harry! I-I want him t-to be there! I w-want him to smile at me wi-with that mischievous gl-glint in his eye! I want him t offer me bloody lemon dro-ops!” The rant ended. Severus’s voice was too wracked with newly emerging sobs to continue.
And Harry found himself crying at the admission, warm tears slowly rolling down his cheeks, dripping into Severus’ disheveled hair.
“H-he was th-the onl-ly father I-I ev-er knew a-and I ha-had to ki-ill him!” Severus wailed, the absolute raw pain in his voice making Harry’s heart clench.
“No. Shhhhhh. Baby, you didn’t kill him. You set him free. He was in pain that would have only gotten worse until it did kill him.”
“H-Harry, please …” the older man’s voice softly wailed, pleading.
“Sev, you need to listen to me ……. You listening?”
He felt a reluctant nod against his chest and soft sniffling that was still wracking the other man’s body.
Harry adjusted his arms to hold Severus closer and gently cradled the other man’s head to his shoulder as he caressed the tips of his fingers along his temple.
“Severus, I know it hurts. Even after six years, I know. I miss him every day. And just like you, I miss his smile, his laugh, that ever-present twinkle in his eyes, and those God-awful lemon drops.”
Harry chuckled lightly at the memory of Albus always thrusting the dish of them in his face the moment he sat down in the high winged-back chair opposite his desk.
“But, I don’t dwell on never being able to have those things with him again because of the memories he left with me. With us. He left you and me with so many of them. Wonderful memories, like those quirky little jokes he’d make -- only in our presence; ones that only the three of us would understand. The affectionate way he’d always call us ‘his boys’. I know he never saw any of his other students that way or called them that with the same fondness. Or how, no matter what was going on, he always set aside special time for the three of us to get together and just talk so we could escape reality for a while and enjoy some peace. Quiet council and relaxing cups of tea with chocolate biscuits …”
“Y-you realize, of c-course, Harry, that i-it was merely his wa-ay of forcing u-us to make am-amends?” Severus pointed out as he gradually got his voice under control, even if he was still shaking.
Harry smirked and turned his head, pressing a soft, warm kiss to the top of Severus’ head. “I know. He knew something was going to happen to him and he wanted us to each have someone to lean on when he was gone,” he whispered. “Like now. He knew we would each need someone who understood and could help the other cope. You helped me at his funeral. I don’t know if you were in denial of your feelings then, or simply able to hold them at bay because you knew you needed to hold it together because of the war … But you got me through the pain, helped me to be strong, and held me when I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Now it’s my turn to help you. Even if it’s so many years later …” Harry sighed. “Sev?”
“Mmm?” Severus grunted, making a small sniffing noise with his nose.
“Why did you hold it in for so long?”
“ … I didn’t. Not … H-Harry, do y-you honestly think I’d g-gone six years without sh-shedding a tear over this?”
“To be honest? Yes. Considering how you’re reacting to it tonight,” Harry softly replied.
Severus swallowed. “I cried, Harry,” he uttered so softly Harry almost didn’t hear it, even with the man’s mouth so close to his ear.
“When?” Harry asked, his voice almost as quiet.
“When he … When he told me I h-had to … To kill him,” Severus muttered. “I … I couldn’t believe …” He took a deep, shuddering breath and slowly let it out, calming himself so he could speak properly. “I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I didn’t want to believe it. And when Albus sat down in his chair and looked up at me, no twinkle in his eyes …. I knew how serious he was being, how real the situation was and I … I threw myself at his feet and cried into his lap, begging him to tell me I was in a terrible dream. And … All he did was run his fingers through my hair and tell me everything would be okay. That it was all going to be okay. That he’d -- ” His voice caught. “Th-that h-he’d always be w-with me. Oh, God, Ha-Harry …” he wailed, suddenly coughing violently around the wracking sobs.
“Okay. Okay. Shhhhhh. Severus, take a deep breath and let it out,” Harry coaxed. “Come on. Do it with me.” He took a nice deep breath and felt Severus do the same. “And let it out slow,” Harry said, his voice a long sigh as the breath slowly left his lungs, feeling Severus do the same. “Do it again. Deep breath ……. And let it out.”
They did that a few times until, finally, the man in Harry’s arms calmed.
“You all right?” Harry asked, not referring to the emotional part, but the physical, shifting his hand so he could gently rub Severus’ chest.
Severus nodded.
I’m sorry,” Harry murmured, gently hugging Severus.
Severus weakly shook his head. “D-don’t be. S’my f-fault. Shouldn’t have k-kept it f-from you.”
“It’s your way,” Harry whispered, kissing the man’s forehead again.
“A-and l-look at wh-what h-happened.”
“Yeah. But I bet Albus had a pretty good idea this is what would happen and one of the reasons why he got us together.” Harry smirked. “Outside of him knowing we were both starting to have feelings for each other by the time my fifth year ended.”
“I-I would h-have never tou-ouched you. Y-you were underage and I-I’m not a p-pedophile.” Severus said, his voice sounding defensive, almost frightened.
“Shhhh. I know,” Harry said. “Only further proof of how good a man you really are.”
Severus blushed and was, at that moment, grateful his face was nuzzled against Harry’s neck so the younger man couldn’t see it.
“H-Harry?”
“Mmm?”
“D-do you th-think ……. Do y-you think Albus is p-proud of me?”
Harry sighed and gave the man a warm squeeze and, this time, kissed his cheek. “From the things he’d told me about you, Sev …. I think he was always proud of you. And always will be.”
“N-not always, Harry. I did things … When I f-first became a Death Eater that --”
“Sev … Baby, he was like a father to you. You may have done things that disappointed him, but this is Albus we’re talking about. He always knew things no one else did. And I bet he always knew what was in your heart.”
“My heart was dark, Harry.”
“No. Your heart was misguided, your intentions blinded. But you were never dark. Never.”
This time, Harry felt Severus hug him back and fresh, soft tears drip against his neck.
“Albus isn’t the only one, you know?” Harry added.
Swallowing, Severus actually pulled back a little ways, bracing himself on his arms, so he could sit up enough to look at Harry, slightly confused by what the younger man was referring to. “What?”
Harry smiled softly, reaching up, and rubbed his thumb over a remaining tear on Severus’ left cheek, then doing the same to an identical one on his right before closing his hand into a fist. “I’m proud of you, too, and in awe of you. I’ve never known a braver, more formidable man than you, Severus. Or one who’s equally as kind, even if he can’t always show it. After all you’ve done and all you’ve been through … You not only deserve to hear that, but to relish in it and have the peace and happiness Albus wanted you to have.”
A weak, but genuine smile found its way to Severus lips. “You always were able to see through my façade … Just like Albus …”
Harry nodded. “And have always been able to give you just about everything you need.”
The smile on the older man’s face widened a little. “Foolish Gryffindor. You’ve already given me everything I need, especially tonight. What else is there?”
Harry didn’t mistake the tone of Severus’ voice. It wasn’t hinting for anything more than truth. “I think you need what Albus would have offered if he were here.”
There was a momentary flash of pain in the older man’s eyes, but Harry soothed him, rubbing his back and opened the hand he’d used to wipe away the tears from Severus’ cheeks.
Severus looked down and there, lying in Harry’s palm, were two lemon drops.
~End~
Author's Chapter Notes:
This fic takes place five years after The War. Harry is now 23 and Severus is 44.
I'd also like to thank my wonderful beta, Katie, for all her help! =) *bows*
I'd also like to thank my wonderful beta, Katie, for all her help! =) *bows*
